Shameless
by INMH
Summary: For the love bingo challenge, prompt "Flirtation". Kol has a very unique way of flirting. And by unique, I mean irritating.


Shameless

**Rating:** PG-13/T

**Genre:** Humor/Romance

**Summary:** For the love_bingo challenge, prompt "Flirtation". Kol has a very unique way of flirting. And by unique, I mean irritating.

**Author's Note:** Kolremy… :D

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Vampire Diaries. It belongs to L.J. Smith/The CW. "The Bad Touch" is by The Bloodhound Gang.

()()

"Hel-_lo_."

Jeremy shut his eyes and groaned.

"What do you want?"

"Just to catch up, old pal."

"I'm not your pal."

"Ooh, that hurts."

Jeremy opened his eyes again and made sure that they were fixed on the book in his hands and not the Original vampire across the booth from him. "Just _leave_, Kol. We're not friends, and we never were. You said so yourself."

"I also said 'no hard feelings'."

"And I actually have other friends to fall back on, so screw off."

"Yes, yes," Kol said mildly, resting his chin on his folded, propped-up hands. "You're far better off being friends with Damon Salvatore, the vampire who's compelled you… Twice, now, against your will?"

Jeremy twitched. "At least he didn't compel me to stand still in the middle of the street and get hit by a car."

"Klaus was trying to make a point. A twisted, demented point, but a point nevertheless. Damon and your sister were doing it for '_your own good_'. Come now, Jeremy, we both know at the end of the day that that makes you _boil_ with rage."

It did. Kol may have been an ass, but he knew he was right. Klaus was a bastard; they expected him to violate the rights of others on a whim. But Elena? Elena was Jeremy's sister. She was supposed to be better than that. She was supposed to have more respect for him than that. And she'd gotten Damon to do it not once, but twice, so apparently she hadn't been as guilty about it the first time as he'd been led to believe.

Kol picked up a fork, twirled it in his hand and lightly began to poke at Jeremy's hand with it. The words "Original" and "sharp object' in the same sentence was enough to put Jeremy on guard immediately, and he pulled his hand back. Kol rolled his eyes. "Come now, I'd have to be stupid to stab you in front of the whole restaurant, wouldn't I?"

"Or really, really crazy." Jeremy said pointedly, gaze hard.

Kol's smile widened. "Or that."

"We both know that you're _what_ are you doing to my foot?"

"Never played footsie before?"

Jeremy jumped up quickly, a mistake given that it caused his knees to smash into the table. Kol snickered hysterically, eyes dancing with mirth. "You're a dick. An insane, vampiric dick."

"Oh, come on now."

"I'm leaving."

"Then I am too."

"Oh my _God_."

"I prefer Kol."

()()

Kol was not joking: He _did_ follow Jeremy home.

However, as Jeremy did not invite Kol inside, all the vampire could do was stand outside the house and yell things that, unfortunately, garnered some strange looks from the neighbors.

"_Cutie-pie! Come on out and chat with me! And just so we're clear, it is __**Jeremy Gilbert**__ that I'm referring to, not his cock-tease of a sister Elena!_"

Elena's expression went stony at that one. "I'm calling Damon and Stefan."

"So they can do what? Get seven shades of crap beaten out of them with a baseball bat? _Again?_"

Elena made a face but apparently saw his point, because she put down her cell phone and didn't call Damon or Stefan. As neither of them had anywhere to go that night, they decided staying in for the rest of the evening might be a better idea.

Kol spent the remainder of the evening calling out some of the most horrifying (but admittedly, surprisingly creative) pet names, and quite frankly, Jeremy was befuddled as to how none of the neighbors had called to complain yet. Especially as far as the vampire's voice was carrying and how long into the night it went. It was some time around eleven o' clock that Kol stopped yelling, and Jeremy dared to hope that he had gone home as he fell asleep.

Maybe his wish had been granted, maybe it hadn't.

All he knew was that Kol was back the next morning.

_SPLAT._

Jeremy opened his eyes, brow furrowed. What was that?

_SPLAT. SPLAT._

Something wet and solid (solid enough, anyway) was smacking against… Something? It took Jeremy a moment, after shaking off the haze of sleep, to realize that it was the front of the house. And his window.

"Oh no."

As if on cue, his door opened, and Elena was standing there looking none too pleased. "He's still out there."

"I know."

"He's egging the house."

"That… That I didn't know."

_SPLAT_.

"I'm calling Damon and Stefan."

"And I repeat: _What are they going to do?_"

Elena threw her hands up. "I have no idea! But something's better than nothing! I opened the front door to try to talk to Kol and almost got an egg to the face!"

"Fine! Call them! I don't care!" Jeremy pulled his pillow over his face, only to feel the blankets being ripped off him.

"He's your insane ex-boyfriend," Elena remarked firmly. "You _will_ be awake for all of this." She left the room, and Jeremy knew that resisting was pointless; if Elena wanted him awake to deal with Kol, he would damn well be awake to deal with Kol.

Though he did shout a parting "He is _not_ my boyfriend!" after her.

()()

Jeremy got dressed, and counted twenty egg-splats against the house in the space of time between him getting out of bed and buttoning his jeans. Given that Kol had apparently been at this for a reasonable amount of time, Jeremy had to assume that he had a fair number of eggs outside to utilize.

He thought about peeking out the window to see just how many, and then decided that he probably didn't want to know.

He went downstairs, trying to think of ways to convince Elena that neither of the Salvatores were necessary (or, again, helpful) for this scenario when he almost walked right into Damon when rounding the corner going towards the kitchen. "Let me guess: You just woke up."

"Where'd you come from?"

"Fortunately, Kol has yet to realize that you have a back door that he could assault." Jeremy grimly realized that Kol was probably well aware of the back door; he just probably thought he'd have more success from the front. "So why exactly is Mr. Fruit-Cake egging your house?"

There had to be forces in the world that hated Jeremy good and proper, because at that moment (Jeremy would only realize a minute or so later that there hadn't been any eggs thrown for at least the last five minutes), a deafening sound came from outside-

"_YOU AND ME, BABY, AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT MAMMALS- SO LET'S DO IT LIKE THEY DO ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL-_"

"Oh my _God!_" Elena barked, coming out of the kitchen with her hands over her ears. "At this rate, someone's going to call Sheriff Forbes on us!"

"Unless the eternal romantic out there compelled her or her guys not to come, or the neighbors not to call in the first place!" Damon called back, wincing but otherwise managing to tolerate the noise. But then he turned to Jeremy, that damn _smirk_ spreading over his face. "So he _likes_ you, does he?"

"Shut up."

"And now he's pulling your pigtails." Damon snickered. "That's just _adorable._"

"Screw you."

"Kol would probably get mad at me." Jeremy took his hands off his ears and threw a sloppy punch, but Damon dodged it easily. Between Damon's ribbings, Elena forcing him to remain coherent and, of course, _Kol_, Jeremy's fuse was dwindling magnificently fast.

"_LOVE! THE KIND YOU CLEAN UP WITH A MOP AND BUCKET, LIKE THE LOST CATACOMBS OF EGYPT, ONLY GOD KNOWS WHERE WE STUCK IT-_" Jeremy groaned and walked over to the wall, letting his head bang against it a few times. If this _ever_ got back to school…

"So what are we going to do?"

"I think your only option is to send him out like a sacrificial not-a-virgin!" Damon responded, jerking a thumb in Jeremy's direction.

"No way! Who knows what Kol will do to him?"

"_AND THEN WE'LL DO IT DOGGY-STYLE SO WE CAN BOTH WATCH X-FILES!_"

"I think the song is a pretty big hint about what Kol wants to do with him, Elena! Jeremy- You've got gay porn, right? Go get a visual aid!" Jeremy flipped him off and Elena rolled her eyes.

Abruptly, the music stopped, and Elena and Jeremy gratefully took their hands off their ears. The next sound they heard, though, was every bit as unwelcome as the music: "Jer-em-y! Come on out now and talk to me, unless you want another few hours of this!"

"See?" Damon said. But Elena shook her head.

"No way. No way in hell. It's way too dangerous, and-"

Without so much as a word to Damon or Elena, Jeremy walked right up to the front door, opened it, and stepped outside, pointedly ignoring Elena's stuttered demands that he stay in the house. The sight of the yard actually managed to make him freeze for a moment: It was a disaster area, with grass pulled up, egg cartons and egg shells and goo splattered everywhere. Forget compelling the police and neighbors, he had to have compelled everyone in a five mile radius for this to go unnoticed!

Kol was leaning against his car, mouth part-way open, probably about to shout something else when he caught sight of the object of his tormenting. "Jeremy!" He said brightly as the younger of the two Gilberts stomped down the front steps and onto the yard. "You finally cracked!"

"What," Jeremy began, picking up the pace again and glaring down the Original, "Do you want?"

Kol pulled a deceptively innocent face and shrugged. "A few hours of your time."

Jeremy's glare did not lessen. "Fine. Start talking."

"I was thinking in a more… Quieter, not-egg-covered setting. With food."

"You are not seriously asking me out."

"Of course I am. If I wasn't, then the last twelve or so hours would have been a total waste of both of our times, wouldn't it?"

Jeremy felt like punching him. "What was it, then, some bizarre Original-vampire mating ritual?"

"Klaus called it 'flirting'. I mean, in the older days I just got drunk and slept with people willing enough to agree to a one-night stand, but you're underage, aren't you?" Jeremy wasn't angry anymore: Now he was just numb.

"This was flirting."

"I like to think so."

"It was not flirting. It was harassment. Sexual harassment."

"Oh." Kol pondered that for a moment. "Well, if you want to go ahead and sue me, you know where I live. So are we going out or not?"

Jeremy eyed him warily. "If I say no?"

"I've got at least eighteen songs on this CD-" He twitched his head towards the car. "-And I have most of the people on this and the next streets on either side compelled to not bother me. I also have Rebekah ready to run interference with the police if someone does manage to call them."

Jeremy stared at Kol for a long moment.

And he knew something was really, really wrong with him when all he could think was, _Wow. That is some serious dedication just to get a date_.

Damon needed to stop compelling him, because it was doing something really _bad_ to his brain.

"Fine." Jeremy said faintly, waving his hands slightly in an aborted flail. "Fine. Just- Fine. Whatever, whenever, I don't care- Just- Just _stop_." Kol's expression brightened.

"Excellent! I'll pick you up at six."

And then, just to add to the insanity of it all, he leaned over and gave the teenager a peck on the cheek.

Kol then stepped back, hopped into his car and drove off without another word.

Jeremy stood still and silent for a moment amongst the ruins of his front yard.

"Getting involved with a vampire again." He muttered, running a hand through his hair and grimacing. "Right. That's… That's not a bad idea at all."

He threw his hands up limply and walked back inside.

-End


End file.
